…Even for a Second

So I had a thought earlier, at around 1AM on a Wednesday night, on spring break in my house in NY alone.  We don’t really know how much time we have left on Earth, right?  So why not make the best of it?  I mean, most of us go through college so we can drink, party, fuck, and eventually get a good paying job, right?  Don’t deny it because you would be wasting your breath (or text).  But what happens when we decide to do something more than that?  Everyone hopes to fall in love at some point in their lives, sure; but no one does anything special (not that I’ve seen).  What about tomorrow?  What if there isn’t a tomorrow?  We should live for today and stop worrying about tomorrow.  Some might say otherwise and state “what if you live for today and then tomorrow comes along and you’ve done nothing to prepare?”  So I submit to him/her, why not do both?

It’s important to follow your dreams.  Now, that might seem like the most cliche thing you’ve ever heard (and I would agree with you), but it really rings true for most people.  “Yeah, yeah, yeah we know it’s important”, you might say.  But think about it, have you ever really tried?  I’ll be honest and say no, I haven’t tried to follow my dreams.  Want to know something not many people really know about me? I want to someday write music that inspires and influences the lives of others in a truly positive way.  And it wouldn’t be for the money; it would never be about the money.  I just want to make people feel something, anything.  That way I would know that I helped someone somewhere deal with something somehow.  Maybe I don’t play my guitar enough or write lyrics enough, but I don’t care for now.  For now, all that’s important is that I feel something.  If someone walks by my room, stops for a second, and feels something too, then I will have followed my dream, if only for a second.  That’s good enough for me, even without knowing whether or not I had an impact.

This rings true for most.  You can’t just sit by and sit in a library or a classroom and let that take control of your life.  It’s important to get out and do what you want and love once and a while….even for a second.  It’s that kind of living that makes happiness worth fighting for.

sun burnt arms, big league chew

“It is played everywhere. In parks and playground and prison yards. In back alleys and farmers fields. By small children and by old men. By raw amateurs and millionare professionals….
….It is a haunted game, where each player is measured by the ghosts of those who have gone before. Most of all, it is about time and timelessness, speed and grace, failure and loss, imperishable hope, and coming home.”
– Ken Burns

I can remember a time four years ago when I stood in the summer heat with sweat dripping down my face and arms.  My clothes and skin were darkened by the dirt and sweat as I reached up to fix my hat lower to narrow my view.  The sweat stung my eyes as I raised them to gaze upon my target.  My legs were ready to give way under my exhausted torso and throw me to the ground.  With the sun beginning to drop in the sky, I stared at the catcher and smiled at the thought of my 3-2 count.  Top of the seventh with two outs and three on.  The score was meaningless to me in that moment as my target Patrick flashed me two fingers.  An older and wiser man might have called it a bold move, but without giving it a second thought, I lifted my leg…..

When I was a kid, baseball was everything to me.  My father would take me 100 yards away from the house to a softball field to throw the ball around.  I loved every minute of it.  When I was old enough, I would ask my neighbors to go to the field to have a catch.  Eventually, pick-up games became a common occurrence with even the addition of friends from class.  We didn’t care how late it was, how hungry we were, or how thirsty we were.  Most of the time when mothers would call us back for dinner, we pretended not to hear them.  We stopped playing when we were all drenched in sweat waiting for pure darkness to cover the diamond.  Walking home exhausted from a day of fun and friendship, we said goodnight and headed home…. only to shower, sleep, wake up and do it all again.

“Memories embedded in the dust, in the fighters that age just like us livin’ some where off in the drawer
this is what you make of it yeah we play to win
Live it like we’re under the lights of the stadium fight until the day that God decided to wave us in”
– Macklemore

Before we were spitting seeds, we were chewing gum, pretending to be pros with Big League Chew.  It didn’t matter how we acted or how we looked because we all felt invincible once we ran onto the field.  The sun hit us dead in our eyes and the sweat poured down our faces, but nothing could stop us from playing the game we loved so much.  Nothing could pull us away from this feeling of pure joy and happiness.

….The only thought running through my head as I began my journey toward the plate was happiness.  If this pitch is a strike then I won it for my team, but if it’s a ball then I lost it for my team.  None of that mattered as I released the ball from my rotating wrist.  My exhausted arm dropped while I followed the ball to the plate with my eyes.  Starting at the batter’s shoulder, the ball began to drop toward the center of the zone.  It crossed the plane and slammed into the catcher’s glove as the batter stared into space.  I then fell to my knees in satisfaction with a smile on my face….

As life goes on, we will always remember the times that we were truly happy.  We all run the bases and eventually reach home, so we have to enjoy every minute as we round each base until God decides to wave us in.

Sticks and Stones

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me”

I think all of us are familiar with the above phrase and have heard it from our parents at least once in our lives.  Let me break this down for a moment.  Sticks and stones may break my bones: clearly this is a true statement.  Not once have I been struck by a stick and not been in some sort of pain.  Words can never hurt me: this statement troubles me.  A stick can, in fact, break my bone, but to say that a word can never hurt me?… That is a little much, is it not?  Now, I am aware that a word can never physically harm any human being (I am not that dumb), but I think everyone knows that by saying “words can never hurt me”, one is stating that he/she is completely resistant to mental abuse.  I can tell you from personal experience that this is not true.  I am sure anyone of any age can say the same thing.

Words hurt.  Whether it is simply calling someone a “football-head” (HeyArnold reference) or using an extremely derogatory term, it still stings even though it may not look or feel that way initially.  I do not know if you remember the story of Asher Brown, but Asher was 13 years-old when Brown’s parents reported the bullying to his school in Texas several times.  Nothing was done to stop or prevent the bullying.  Asher shot himself in the head with a 9mm pistol on September 23, 2010 because of years of bullying and harassment.  Let me reiterate one detail about Asher: he was 13 years-old.  Click—>> WATCH THIS VIDEO <<—Click

Earlier that year on January 14, 2010 a girl named Phoebe Prince hanged herself from the stairwell of her family’s apartment building in South Hadley, MA.  She was 15 years-old.  Phoebe had just moved to South Hadley from Ireland where she had also been bullied in school, but clearly the move did not help the issue.  After years of verbal and possibly physical torture in Ireland and the US, Phoebe decided she had had enough.  Once again, it was reported that the schools did nothing when she and her parents asked for help.  These are just two incidents of teens taking their own lives because of those words that apparently NEVER hurt.  Many more suicides go without being written about because the publishing industry feels the “advertising” of suicides will cause more to occur (I will let you form your own opinions about that).

Breaking a bone, getting a concussion, having minor surgery, stubbing a toe and closing a door on a finger are all painful events.  I can tell you from personal experience that none of those things compare to internal (mental/emotional) pain.  Yes, breaking a bone is excruciating but the pain eventually passes as if it almost never happened.  Having something pierce your skin does not compare in the slightest to something that pierces your mind.  To have something eat away at your thoughts and feelings for weeks or months or years is far more unbearable.  When have you ever heard of someone breaking a bone followed by their suicide two weeks later?

There are, of course, special cases of suicide when a star high school football player loses his scholarship after a career ending injury.  The teen is crushed by the news that he will never play again and can no longer afford to attend college.  Although the injury caused him physical pain, he also must live with the pain of never playing again for as long as it takes him to accept his fate.  Ultimately, he cannot control his mind and falls to his knees begging his mind to give him a fucking break.  Unfortunately it is not that simple and the mind does not loosten its grasp.  His mind and emotions drive the boy to kill himself.

Many of you out there live fairly free of emotional pain.  You may be saying, “what? Of course I live with emotional pain!”.  Yeah, I know we all get stressed about school and work sometimes, but at the end of the day, it still eases your mind to do things you usually enjoy.  In your mind, it gives you comfort when you think about the future.  What happens when you do not find joy in the things you used to love?  What happens when you think about the future and all you see is darkness?  What will you do then?  I will tell you.  You try to identify the problem quickly and seek help before it worsens and your emotions take control.

I usually like to try to have a positive attitude and mindset through every day of my life.  But more often than not I find myself looking down as I walk to class.  I find myself staring into space while dwelling on past events and regrets.  Sometimes I feel as though every day is one day closer to a worse day.  Some days I think it would be best to just end it.  Though these thoughts run through my head, there is still a place in the back of my mind that knows I will eventually be happy…. “even if it takes the rest of my fucking life”.  What I have just shared with you is something I like to think I am very good at hiding, so do not worry about me because I am already getting a lot of help.  Do not think just because someone is happy on the outside that they are truly happy.  Sometimes, especially when it matters most, it is not the case.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will always hurt us; even if we do not feel it at first, and even if we do not show it.

Be happy because good things are ahead…. even if it looks cloudy on the horizon….

wish you were here

Many of you might be familiar with the band Incubus.  Those of you who aren’t are missing out.  Behind and among many of their strange sounds lies talk of life, love, friendship and happiness.  In my personal opinion, Brandon Boyd is a lyrical genius.  When he is not singing for millions of fans across the world, he is a poet and a painter.  He is a true artist and is in it for expressing himself and not in it for pleasing others.  But that happens to be a pretty nice trade-off.

Here is a song that I must admit, I initially thought was about love.  Everyone probably thinks of love when they hear it.  The song is called “Wish You Were Here” and it happens to be by Incubus.  The lyrics are as follows:

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy….happy

I wish you were here (4x)

I lay my head onto the sand
The sky resembles a backlit canopy
With holes punched in it
I’m counting UFOs
I signal them with my lighter
And in this moment I am happy….happy

I wish you were here (4x)

The world is a roller coaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air saying:

I wish you were here (6x)

–Wish You Were Here by Incubus

I’ll leave it up to you to think about the lyrics and listen to the song.  Click the link to see the video.  It will probably shed light on what the song is really about, and it’s why I love this song so much.

Think about it….

lyric of the week

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It’s driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I’m beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
I’ll be there

–Drive by Incubus

semi-charmed kind of life

So…we meet again, early morning.  Because there is no time stamp on each post, I will inform you as to what the current time is: 5:24 AM.  One of my roommates just woke up and left for ROTC Marines.  Should I be proud at myself for staying up all night doing school work?  No.  Should I be disappointed and ashamed that I have put myself in the situation where doing so is necessary?  Absolutely.  It is never easy to dig oneself out of a deep hole that he/she first started digging.  It may be easier than if someone else were responsible, but emotionally it is probably much more difficult.  When the blame can ‘officially’ be put on someone else, all one must deal with is how to fix the mistake(s).  However, when you are to blame for your current situation, you must have the guilt and regret follow you around like Marley’s chains in addition to figuring out how to fix the mistake(s).  I don’t know what it is, but people who make the same mistakes over and over and over and over make me absolutely sick.  When I witness it occurring, I feel like punching that person in the face (I never would… I’m a pussy).  They simply never learn!  What could possibly be wrong with them that they cannot avoid making the same mistake twice?!?!

Perhaps the problem pertains to one’s motivation, or aptitude, or skill, or intelligence or understanding.  What if the problem is related to a mental illness the person is either attempting to stabilize, or of which the person is unaware?  Despite the potential reasons previously stated, should it not be possible for a person to learn from his/her mistakes if the proper help were offered to him?  I suppose in some cases that would work; but in a few cases, the person is either unwilling to accept help or desires help but is unable to utilize it efficiently.  When supplied with the necessary help required to learn from a previous mistakes, what happens when the offered help is not used as efficiently as it could be?

As you may have noticed, I narrowed my questions more and more specifically each time I asked one or formed a valid idea (depending on your perspective).  Don’t worry, I didn’t notice until right before writing that sentence.  Hell, I do not even know if what I am saying is even true.  Though I must confess, it would have been a pretty lame attempt at acting ‘smart’, whatever ‘smart’ actually means.  Anyway, as I was saying…..

If you know me (and I don’t mean a little bit, I mean you REALLY do) or you think you know me, make sure you pay close attention to the following statement:  In case you have not quite noticed, ALL (well, most) of the information and material above is about yours truly (‘me’…for the less educated).  Throughout all of my pathetic, cosmically insignificant (title drop) life, I have managed to destroy my life (followed by a slow reconstruction) far too many times.  In fact, I have most likely made a single mistake more times than I can count on my hands.  However, there are some mistakes I have repeated more than others…. I am not that messed up.

Who am I kidding?  I have screwed up the same types of situations a few too many times.  These situations are not all potentially life-changing situations, but a majority of them cause more stress than my increasingly weakening mind is capable of handling.  As my mind weakens, every time stress is placed upon it, it is weakened even further, ultimately making it more susceptible to stress.  It is quite the vicious cycle if you have ever experienced it.  In fact, I am currently experiencing, due to my own incompetence, extreme difficulty controlling my emotions.  I have figured out what the current, specific problem is and am somewhat aware of how to mend it.  The problem is the amount of stress involved in getting myself out of this hole, while simultaneously attempting to keep my emotions from getting the best of me like they have too many times before.

So how do I fix this problem I keep having?  How do I finally prevent myself from continuously making the same mistakes over and over and over and over?  How am I supposed to be able to control my own life with all the other bulls*** going on?  Despite all the experience I have had with my own damaging thoughts over the past four or five years, I have only just begun to grasp hold of how to ‘deal with’ (if that makes sense) the negative emotions in my mind.

So…. How can I “fix” myself?  Do I even need to be “fixed”?  Most nights, I eventually fall asleep, but there are those nights take longer than others (much longer than you think).  One thing I know for sure is that the following statement/question will haunt me indefinitely, especially during “those nights”…..

I want to change, but no matter what I try or do ends up either not having an effect or hurting me in the end.  So how can I spark the change I want to see in my life?  How can I “fix” myself?  Do I even need to be “fixed”?  And so the seemingly endless cycle of unpredictable sleepless nights continues….

If anyone actually does read this and find my ranting interesting and/or relevant, feel free to comment with your own thoughts or experiences.  No judgments from this side of the screen.  Anonymity is always welcome.

Until next time…..